Imagine the following scenario, in which an introvert is
trying to “coach” an extrovert on his life skills.
(Loud, bumpin’ party)
Introvert: Dude, you really need to head home, sit in a quiet room, and read a book.
Extrovert: What? But…I like hanging out here.
Introvert: (laughs) You think you do, but you need to take my advice on this. Just chilling out at home more often will make you so much happier.
Extrovert: I don’t know. I mean, I read stuff and sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s even gripping and I can't put the book down. But just randomly grabbing a book and reading it? Whenever I’ve tried to make myself do that, it’s super boring.
Introvert: No, no, no, you’re just not trying hard enough. It’s like, you sit there staring at the book and scanning the words, but are you really reading it? Are you really giving it a chance?
Extrovert: Um…I feel like I have. Maybe you’re right, but isn’t it more likely that you just have very different preferences than me? Like, if I tried to do your stuff and you tried to do my stuff, we’d both be more miserable?
Introvert: (laughs again) Sure, sure. I just don’t feel like you’re hearing me. Whatever. I tried to help.
I have seen the reverse of this a few times. I’ve even been on the
receiving end of it once or twice, even though I’m not exactly a shut-in. It's funny how people just assume you need the same kinds of social stimuli, and that you must be unhappy if you aren't getting it. No. Some people just prefer a little more quiet time, and some people prefer more company. Both are usually fine. Neither preference is necessarily pathological to indulge in.
(All that said, the quiet kid probably appreciates the invitation to hang out, if perhaps resenting the pressure to seek or enjoy it more than he does. The invitation without the "I'm coaching you to be happier" element would be ideal.)
I have heard some brash, abrasive loud-mouths criticize quiet people for their lack of social skills. I wanted to tell one such person that he lacks social awareness, that he just blurts shit out, that he isn't introspective enough to realize when he's mistaken, and that people find his bluntness to be off-putting. The quiet kid he's criticizing, on the other hand, is deeply introspective, is incisively analyzing every word and gesture in every conversation, is sometimes paralyzed by his social caution because he doesn't want to offend anyone or give off a "weird" vibe. The loud-mouth would probably do better to shut his mouth now and then, and the quiet kid would probably do better to speak up a little more. But the framing of the issue as "The quiet kid lacks social skills, while the outspoken person doesn't" really misses the mark.
I should clarify that I don't buy the binary model of introvert versus extrovert. It's really a continuum with a bell-shaped distribution. It's not bi-modal, with a peak on the "extrovert" side of the chart, another peak on the "introvert" side, and a bare spot in the middle. Some of the recent writing on introversion is almost a call to arms, suggesting that we self-identify as I-tribe and take back control from those brash, poor-mannered E-tribers. This kind of categorical self-identification can be unhealthy. Most people don't fall neatly into I-tribe or E-tribe, and most people have many "introvert" and many "extrovert" traits. Extroverts aren't generally brash and obnoxious, and introverts aren't generally shy and awkward. Rather, the combination of extroversion with a blustery personality can be obnoxious, just as the combination of introversion with social awkwardness can be infuriating to deal with. Extreme examples of both behaviors certainly exist, but it's important to remember that "extreme" isn't always pathological.
(All that said, the quiet kid probably appreciates the invitation to hang out, if perhaps resenting the pressure to seek or enjoy it more than he does. The invitation without the "I'm coaching you to be happier" element would be ideal.)
I have heard some brash, abrasive loud-mouths criticize quiet people for their lack of social skills. I wanted to tell one such person that he lacks social awareness, that he just blurts shit out, that he isn't introspective enough to realize when he's mistaken, and that people find his bluntness to be off-putting. The quiet kid he's criticizing, on the other hand, is deeply introspective, is incisively analyzing every word and gesture in every conversation, is sometimes paralyzed by his social caution because he doesn't want to offend anyone or give off a "weird" vibe. The loud-mouth would probably do better to shut his mouth now and then, and the quiet kid would probably do better to speak up a little more. But the framing of the issue as "The quiet kid lacks social skills, while the outspoken person doesn't" really misses the mark.
I should clarify that I don't buy the binary model of introvert versus extrovert. It's really a continuum with a bell-shaped distribution. It's not bi-modal, with a peak on the "extrovert" side of the chart, another peak on the "introvert" side, and a bare spot in the middle. Some of the recent writing on introversion is almost a call to arms, suggesting that we self-identify as I-tribe and take back control from those brash, poor-mannered E-tribers. This kind of categorical self-identification can be unhealthy. Most people don't fall neatly into I-tribe or E-tribe, and most people have many "introvert" and many "extrovert" traits. Extroverts aren't generally brash and obnoxious, and introverts aren't generally shy and awkward. Rather, the combination of extroversion with a blustery personality can be obnoxious, just as the combination of introversion with social awkwardness can be infuriating to deal with. Extreme examples of both behaviors certainly exist, but it's important to remember that "extreme" isn't always pathological.
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