Not Real Gremlins

Pro: I think we should start feeding our gremlins after midnight!

Against: What!? That goes horribly wrong every time it’s tried. Don’t you remember Stripe? Mohawk?

Pro: (scoffs) Those were not real gremlins. It’s obvious that they were bad from the start.

Against: Okay, but people just like you were cheering the experiment while it was being run. It only morphed into a “mistake” and “not real gremlins” after the fact.

Pro: You’re such a philistine. You just don’t understand that those were all poor implementations of my grand vision.

Against: Why do you think it will go so well this time?

Pro: We’ve learned from history. Of course, those past experiments with feeding gremlins after midnight were done under non-ideal circumstances.

Against: But *every* time. Don’t you think it might be a constitutional feature of gremlins that feeding them after midnight turns them into little green bastards?

Pro: Northern Europeans have had tremendous success feeding gremlins after midnight.

Against: No, they actually *don’t* feed their gremlins after midnight. That's a common misconception. They took a few baby-steps toward later feedings, and they backed off when the experience turned sour. I mean, it wasn't full-on green bastardry, but a lot of them still became spoiled, foul tempered little shitheads. *Everyone agreed* it was a mistake, even the initial proponents.  

Pro: Whatever. Okay, so they *didn’t* implement my preferred gremlin-feeding policy. So it’s not a counter-example either. If we fully implement it, it will work. Baby-steps toward the pure policy don’t work. The opt-outs spoil it for everyone else.

Against: Isn’t that a little suspicious? It doesn’t work unless *everyone* is compelled to do it? Incremental steps toward it are always a failure, but going at it full throttle will be this miraculous success the world has never seen?

Pro: You bore me. (Picks up a pet carrier with little green clawed fingers sticking out.) Excuse me, little Hugo here needs a bath.

Against: No, dammit!